Like We Never Loved At All
by SomeLikeItHot88
Summary: How can you just walk on by Without one tear in your eye? Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me? Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall Like we never loved at all. Two part fanfic. POST 10-12
1. Like We Never Loved At All

Cristina sighed as she sat back on the bar stool after taking another shot of whiskey. She was quickly losing her edge as she continued to hammer down shot after shot, something about this night and this disastrous wedding was making her feel ill at ease, her brain was working on over drive and she hated that in light of Jackson's confession, she couldn't help but contemplate her past, her present and her future, she had absolutely no idea on how to distinguish the feeling at the pit of her stomach, it was so unsettling, so eerie, and unwelcoming, and it wouldn't budge. No matter how hard she tried to shake off the unwanted thoughts that plagued her mind or wish away the drowning sorrow the made it so damn hard to breathe, it just refused to retreat and let her be at peace.

She was ashamed of herself, of her juvenile behavior, she was not one for one night stands nor casual sexual escapades, and now she had two under her belt, Dr. Parker and Dr. Ross, and the irony of both these sex friends was that they didn't happen when she was young and experimenting, they happened when she was a grown women who was sulking over a man, in fact it was the same man, one man that had caused her to abandon her cognizance and drove her to act out on both occasions, would this man's ghost forever haunt her for the rest of her life? Was that the purpose he would now serve in her story? As somebody who she used to know, somebody that he had to go through to get to his happily ever after? She shivered at the thought as she signaled for another round of drinks for herself and her new friend.

She leaned her forearms on the counter of the bar and tilted her head slightly to listen to him as he coyly tried to test the waters between him and her, she could tell he was intrigued, and if it was not for the explosive non-wedding that had just occured and the feelings it conjured up then she might have entertained the idea to make her feel better about herself, make her feel wanted and loved, but tonight she just couldn't stop herself from being suffocated by her own internal turmoil.

The wedding didn't happen, and Cristina knew it wouldn't as soon as she saw Jackson stand up, and now here they were at the reception in the heart of Seattle in this beautiful ballroom at the Hilton as one of the would-be groomsmen tried very hard to peak Cristina's interest. She tried to listen to his attempts but they were falling on deaf ears, which was kind of depressing since this guy was incredibly good-looking and charming, but no matter how cute his dimples were and how smooth his pale skin seemed against his bright blue eyes, he just reminded her of a poor women's Owen, and she wanted the real thing, not a stand in. She tried to be as polite as possible and seem interested in what he was saying but holding a conversation was becoming extremely hard for her to do when she had a million other thoughts running through her mind, so she was relieved when he asked her to dance.

They made their way to the dance floor and she could immediately feel a pair of crystal blue orbs piercing away at her back, staring intently and unable to look away even when she caught his gaze and made eye-contact. He was standing close to the dance floor talking to some of their friends, she surveyed his surroundings but could't locate Emma anywhere, she must have left after the ceremony. She had to look away, she didn't want her guard to go down like it had when the priest was reiterating the importance of this day, the importance of a union, a promise made by two people, a promise that would never be broken. Owen and her had broken those vows and promises they made to each other, and in that moment she couldn't help but feel a pang of regret, of fear and most of all she couldn't escape the longing that just wouldn't deteriorate.

She turned her attention to her dance partner and tried to no avail to act like she was enjoying their embrace as his hands snaked around her waist and her hands lay attentively on each of his shoulders, when that didn't work, she tried to pay attention to the song that was being played. The words blared through the speakers and her breath caught in her throat as the words enveloped all around her, so clear and defiant, she could no longer hear the melody of the song, just the words that accompanied it.

_I'm still livin' with your goodbye  
And you're just goin' on with your life_

_How can you just walk on by  
Without one tear in your eye?  
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?_

_Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved at all_

She felt like the wind was knocked out of her, like she was completely helpless, she rested her head on his shoulder to try and stabilize her shaky legs and keep from falling apart, and then again, for the second time she caught him staring and she new instantly that they were both feeling the same exact emotions pulsing through their bodies. His eyes always gave him away, they looked tortured, helpless and angry. She wondered how he could of moved on so fast? Why was it so easy for him to accept her wishes and walk away and move on, and completely forget about her, about the love they shared, and why couldn't she move on? What was his secret? Did he just love Emma more then her? And is that why it was so easy for him to be happy again while she was still trying to recover. He told her that he would never love another woman like he loved her, that she was the love of his life, now that statement could just be added to another broken promise. Still though, she could see his lips part accompanied by a heavy sigh as her eyes met his and she knew instantly that the words were resonating with him just as much as her.

_I hear you're doin' fine  
Seems like you're doin' well  
As far as I can tell_

_Time is leaving us behind  
Another week has passed  
And still I haven't laughed yet_

_So tell me what your secret is  
To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did_

She could tell that he was listening to the words just as much as he remained standing there watching her dance with another man. And for the first time she saw it flicker across his eyes, it was an emotion that she thought she would never see him feel, never witness him drown in, but there it was….regret, and in this moment in time, that feeling of loss was eating him alive. He had a hand in his trouser pocket and a hand nursing a shot of scotch, and even though the people around him were having an animated conversation, he seemed oblivious to it all.

_How can you just walk on by  
Without one tear in your eye?  
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?_

_Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved at all_

As the song ended her eyes met Owens again before she saw Jackson who was standing next to him, make his way towards Cristina and tugged her by the hand, apologizing to her dance partner for taking her away. He led her to the group that included most of their friends and gave her a quick peck on the cheek and slouched his arm around her shoulder.

"If it wasn't for Cristina, I probably would of never mustered up the courage to stop the wedding." He professed as he looked lovingly at April. Everyone gasped in surprise as Cristina flinched at his revelation. Damn him, why did he have to make it a point to tell everyone, she thought.

"Wha-, What?" April asked in confusion as she shook her head.

Meredith mirrored her look and added, "Cristina, you convinced him to stop the wedding?"

"I did not convince him to do anything, I didn't even know that he was contemplating stopping the wedding, he asked me a question and I just gave him an answer." She said exasperated and refusing to meet Owen's gaze.

Jackson grinned before he added more to his statement, "Well that's true, but if it wasn't for what you said, I don't think I would of found the gull to express my feelings in front of a whole wedding party and in the middle of a ceremony." He stated.

For the first time Owen spoke, "Well what did she say to you to convince you to stop the wedding?" He asked with intrigue in a somber tone. She met his eyes for a second before looking away, afraid that he would see right through her.

"Nothing, it was a stupid nothing that Jackson took to mean more then it actually did." Cristina stated while giving Jackson the look of death, suppressing his urge to continue with the conversation and let their friends know why her words had such an impact on him.

Jackson just shrugged, "Well it worked either way." He retreated his arm from Cristina's shoulder and made his way towards April and gave her a kiss. Cristina took this as an opportunity to leave before more questions were thrown her way, she even ignored Meredith and pretended that she didn't hear her call out her name while she walked past the group.

She made her way to the bar stool again and ordered another round of shots. She was adjusting her gown when she felt a body sit in the seat right next to her and thought it was the groomsmen with whom she was dancing with earlier.

"You know they probably won't be using that honeymoon suite, it would be a shame to let it go to waste." She stated suggestively as she finished adjusting her dress and looked up at him and gasped in shock.

"Oh…uh…no…I- mean" She took a deep breath, "I thought you were somebody else." She said in embarrassment and shamefulness.

He laughed, it wasn't a whole-hearted laugh, it was sarcastic and angry and cruel.

"So thats what your doing now?" He asked bitterly, "Whoring yourself out to make you feel better about yourself." He knew he was out of line, knew his words were uncalled for and that he would regret them later, but he had so much liquid courage in him and the jealousy was overcoming his whole body, he couldn't control his emotions anymore.

Her heart sank, and her eyes stilled, every emotion radiating through her body flickered across her orbs, God, that stung, did he know about her and Shane? Had Meredith told him or had he found out. She was already ashamed enough, and didn't need him to further deepen her melancholy.

"What I do with my body is none of your concern anymore Owen, and yes, if I feel like fucking ever single guy that walks past me, then I will, its none of your concern or your business, its not like I'm cheating on a husband, I don't have one remember?" Her tone was icy and her eyes were burning holes into his, he felt like her words slapped him across the face, there it was again, his infidelity brought up to the surface once more.

He sighed and silently pleaded with her to see the remorse in his eyes and find a common understanding.

"I still care about you Cristina, and I don't want anybody to take advantage of you, or for you to sell yourself short of what your worth."

"I'm not selling myself short, I'm trying to reconnect, I'm trying to move on, just like you did." She tuned her body to completely face him.

"You know, I was always so consumed in my studies, in school and research that I never got to experience going out and getting drunk and doing stupid things, I mean look at Meredith, she has slept with more guys in her day that she has probably lost count and forget about Alex, I think he's set a new world record." She exclaimed as she played with her shot glass.

"And then there's me, I lost my virginity at 19!, to my teaching assistant and then there was Colin, and Burke and then you." She sighed, "I NEVER had meaningless sex before, it wasn't who I was, but then you cheated on me and made me feel inadequate and unwanted so when I was in Minissotta I slept with a colleague there after I told you never to contact me again, and now I'm trying to move forward in my life, I'm trying to learn how to be with someone else."

Owen's heart sank at her revelation, he didn't know how to respond or console her, he shuddered at the thought of her having countless one-night-stands, he didn't want to think about her having sex with other men.

She took another shot and almost immediately felt someone come up and lean over her other shoulder against the bar stool. She was now fully inebriated and was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol flooding her veins and clouding her judgment.

"There you are, I was wondering if you sneaked out without me." He smirked at her while Owen could feel his anger rising with every second he had to watch this scene unfold.

"Lets get out of here." He suggested. 'I have a room booked if you wanna come up for a night cap or we could order room service?" He offered, oblivious to the daggers Owen was shooting his way.

"But I'm not hungry nor thirsty.' She replied hastily through hooded lids, what she really wanted to do was sleep, and it was obvious to her now that she was drunk.

"Well we could do other things too…."

Owen had, had enough, "She's not interested buddy, she's too drunk to consent anyway." He answered for her through gritted teeth.

"I'm not that drunk." She fired back as she tried unsuccessfully to stand with her own to feet but failed miserably as she fell into the groomsmen's arms.

She giggled, something Cristina never did, "oh my, my own knight in shinning armor," She cooed close to his ear, "Lets go upstairs, I'll be the damsel in distress and you can save me with your sword." She laughed at her drunken attempt at a pick-up line. He couldn't help but find her even sexier.

"Cristina," Owen tried to plead with her, "Your drunk, I can't let you do something you will regret tomorrow." He stated while standing up and grabbing her by the arm and removing her from this strange mans embrace. She stumbled until Owen put his arm around her waist, damn him, she thought, why did it have have to feel so right.

"Who are you?" He asked annoyed that Owen was getting in the way of him scoring with the hot bridesmaid. "And why are you trying to cock block me?" He asked clearly irritated.

"I'm her husband." He proclaimed in the same tone, "Who the hell are you?" Owen countered. The groomsmen looked shocked and confused at the same time before Cristina chirped in. "He's my EX- husband, who has a girlfriend and is clearly getting laid but doesn't seem to want his Ex-wife to do the same." She said mirroring both their tones and hoping that Owen wasn't scaring off the handsome man.

"Ok, well, I'm heading up to my room, do you care to join or do you wanna sit here next to your brooding ex-husband? He asked but before Cristina could get a word in, Owen chimed in, "I already told you she's too drunk to consent, and if you don't leave within the next five seconds my fist will make contact with your face and the results won't be pretty." Owen's tone was threatening but he refused to move for a second looking between Owen and Cristina, but he quickly retreated and left when Owen started counting from five to one.

"Was that really necessary?" Cristina asked.

"Yes it was necessary, you shouldn't be someones one night stand, you should be someones forever." He turned his head to face hers and suppressed the desire to kiss her, her lips were stained by the red wine she consumed earlier in the night and they were so plump and juicy, inviting and luring him to taste them.

"Just not your forever." Her eyes met his and she fought hard to keep her emotions at bay. She still wanted to leave with her dignity in tact. She took his arm and removed it from her waist and didn't give him a moment to respond, without looking back she made her way out the ballroom and into the lobby of the hotel.

_Did you forget the magic?_  
_Did you forget the passion?_  
_And did you ever miss me?_  
_Ever long to kiss me?!_  
_Oh baby_

_Maybe that's just your way_  
_Of dealing with the pain_  
_Forgetting everything between our rise and fall_  
**_Like we never loved at all_**


	2. Let Her Go

** I think that I might have to add a part three because I just read interviews from both Sandra and Kevin and they both said that they believed that in the end, Crowen will end up together because they are soul mates, I don't know let me know what you guys think, should I just end it here or add a part from the future when Cristina returns to Seattle Grace? (Or Grey-Sloan, whatever, I hate that they changed the name) **

_Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,  
Only know you love her when you let her go._

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home.  
Only know you love her when you let her go,  
And you let her go._

Owen watched her figure disappear into the foyer of the lobby, his brain told him to let her be but his heart was telling him something entirely different. He needed to take care of her, make sure that she would make it home safe and sound, and as much as he wanted to deny that his intentions were nothing but merely his savior complex kicking in and that his concern was purely platonic, it was becoming harder each passing day to pretend that he was okay, that he was content in the state in which their paths had diverged.

He was doing so well, he thought, he had an amazing girlfriend, one who would do anything for him, she was everything that Cristina was not and offered him everything Cristina couldn't or refused to. Emma was domestic, she cooked and cleaned and she was loving and caring, never shying away from telling him how she felt, making him feel loved each and every day. Their relationship was so simple and so easy, there were no complications, no disagreements or fights, it was all roses and Lillie's, there was no need to work at anything or try for anything, it was all right there, in a small box where everything fit perfectly and even came wrapped with a bow. But the most significant difference between Cristina and Emma was that Emma put Owen first, above anything else, she loved her career and being a surgeon but her job as a doctor did not make up her life, it only was a small part of everything else she was made up of, whereas Cristina lived and breathed for her craft, it was all she ever wanted or needed.

Cristina was indifferent, unable to connect with people, she was cold and insensitive and the most challenging person that he had ever met, she was the antithesis of Emma, and of his previous girlfriends before her, including Beth. And initially that's what attracted him to her, the fact that she didn't need him or anyone for that matter, but she had wanted him, that she was independent and could stand on her own two feet, that everything she did was done with passion and intensity, something that he had never seen in his previous relationships.

Emma was clingy, she practically lived at the hospital even though she worked across town at another, she has a desire to please people and be Betty homemaker, she was everything he had ever wanted, his relationship with Emma encompassed all the qualities that his relationship with Cristina lacked, but even in the state of having it all, he couldn't help but question if she was everything that he actually needed. He wondered if he was really over Cristina, if he would ever be completely over her?

Nevertheless, their relationship was toxic, all they did was cause each other pain, and even though there was a point in time when their love was immeasurable, they had reached a point when they had no fight left in them, there was no compromise, neither of them were willing to budge, maybe that was a sign, maybe that was their cue, if you can't bend and make sacrifices for the one you presumably love, then maybe their love for each other was not as strong as they once thought, because if you love truly love someone then you are able to put their needs first, and neither Owen nor Cristina were willing to budge. So how and when do you decide that love just isn't enough, in a world that tells you all you need is love, why couldn't love save them? Maybe the demise of their relationship was due to the fact that the love between them wasn't strong enough to hold them together because if it were, then Cristina would of wanted to have a baby for Owen or Owen would of accepted the fact that Cristina would never be a mother.

_Staring at the bottom of your glass  
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last  
But dreams come slow and they go so fast  
You see her when you close your eyes  
Maybe one day you'll understand why  
Everything you touch slowly dies_

_But you only need the light when it's burning low  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow  
Only know you love her when you let her go_

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home  
Only know you love her when you let her go_

4 months later.

They were fighting and bickering, both at their wits ends, tears flowing freely and hands waving and gesturing, their voices could he heard down the hall but neither of them cared, they were so caught up in the moment, so mad at each other and themselves, they didn't care who heard or who saw, didn't care that they were falling apart at each others feet, this was the end, and it was the most painful and heartbreaking moment of their lives, neither wanted to let go, but the decision was inevitable, and they had to part in order for them to be able to move on. Neither wanted to accept the fact, to recognize the truth, how was it possible to let go of someone you knew was your soul mate? How do you say goodbye when you don't even know how to breathe without them, live without them, and to love someone else besides them?

Owen had thought he had moved on, he truly believed that he had, or at least he liked to think that he had come out their relationship unscathed and unaffected, and now in a split second, in a single sentence she was able to turn his whole world upside down and all that progress he made, all those steps he took forward were done to no avail, because if he had taken ten steps ahead to moving on, in this very moment he found himself taking twenty steps back into oblivion.

"You say that you love me so much that your willing to let me go so I can live out my dreams, but you don't love me, you don't love me at all because if you did then you would want to do anything in your power to keep us together, and I know that you said you never wanted children but if you loved me even half the amount that you actually say you do then you would of sacrificed for our relationship." He shouted at her unashamed of the tears freely flowing down his face.

"You want me to have some baby that I don't want?, you knew that I never thought about having kids, that I never wanted to have any." She scoffed in bewilderment.

"It wouldn't of been "some" baby, it would of been MY baby, and yes, yes Cristina," He shouted even louder at her. "I get that you never wanted to have kids, but you would think that you would of wanted to have OUR kids, and I can't apologize for not being able to live a life without kids, it's a physiological and biological need for me as a human, we were born with reproductive organs to reproduce, and I'm sorry that I find having a family is such a huge part of what it means to be alive, but I can't help how I feel, and I can't be the one to make the sacrifice, I can't live a life that is untrue to myself."

She laughed at the hypocrisy in between suffocating sobs that wouldn't let up, "So you expect me to make the sacrifices? Expect me to bend and be untrue to myself in order to make you happy? I don't want a baby!" She exclaimed, "I never have and I never will, I won't compromise my happiness in order to salvage a relationship, don't you understand?, if I had a baby, I would resent it, I would feel like it kept me from achieving all of MY hopes and dreams, it would literally kill me." She sighed heavy while walking in circles in the small conference room.

He felt his blood boiling, the anger was seeping through his pores, how could she ever view the miracle of life as the end all be all to her happiness?

"What you are is selfish, all you want to do is be a surgeon, that's what you live and breathe for, and I hope to God that it remains the love of your life until you die but I have a feeling that you are going to wake up one day and you will realize the all those sacrifices you made, all the people who you let go of, all those opportunities you let pass, they will all come back to haunt you, because I promise you that not anyone nor anything would of loved you the way that I could have. Your career is important to you now that you are young but what's going to happen as you get older? What will you do Cristina when you can't operate anymore?, Who will you love? Who will you live for? " He asked through gritted teeth.

"I will have my memories, my achievements and accomplishments and I will know that I gave everything to being the best damn surgeon that I could of been because that's ALL I ever wanted to do or be." She answered back in the same snide tone, the tension between them was suffocating and it was beginning to be debilitating.

"You are going to be so concerned about making a living, making a name for yourself and being a surgeon that you are going to forget to make a life," He said shaking his head and releasing a defeated and tortured sigh, "Take the job, I wish you nothing but the best but please if you walk out of my life right now, I beg you to never walk back in, if you choose to leave then have the decency to never come back, let me find my happiness, let me create my family." He said with a conviction in his voice that was instantly betrayed by the look in his weary eyes.

Time felt like it stood still, you think you are prepared for these moments, you think you've mastered the art of being able to let go and move on, but somehow when the seconds are trickling down and the time to say goodbye to a chapter in your life hits you like a ton of bricks, you begin to wonder if letting go is truly the hardest thing to do? Because in this moment saying goodbye feels like death but what's harder then letting go is actually learning to live not only for yourself, but loving someone enough to live for them and their happiness.

She couldn't take the fighting anymore, couldn't take the harsh words, couldn't stand to see him broken. "Owen, you have already moved on, you have Emma, and I have nobody, don't you see? This is so much harder for me then it is for you, you will always have someone and I won't, so please don't bring up my sad life in my face because I already know how hard and lonely its gonna be." She took a few steps forward so that she was only a few inches from him, she extended her arm and reached out for his hand. "You asked me what I will have, when I'm old and shriveled up,when you have a wife and grandkids and your life is complete and whole, when the time comes when I'm just a distant memory, a chapter in your life that has long been forgotten and moved past, I will still have you, in here." She took his hand and placed it right on her heart. "Our memories, our love, our laughs, our promises, they will all reside here inside my heart and thats what will keep me alive when I have nothing left because even though you will no longer need me, I will always need you, and I will find solace in the fact that I met you and I got the chance to love and be loved by you." Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were quivering, she pleaded with him to se her pain and anguish and to know that he was not alone in his misery, that she would live with his ghost for the rest of her life but he didn't have to be haunted by her presence because he would cultivate a new life for himself, she would be replaced, but his impact on her life would remain there to keep her alive and the memories of him and her would be the last snapshots she would see before she died.

Owen thought that it would actually be easier to die right now then to have to live like this, to live with the pain and sorrow that was casting a huge shadow of loss and grief that he was not ready to deal with, and he wondered if he would ever be able to deal with it, because Cristina was the love of his life, and now it was going to be official, she was going to leave the hospital, leave the state and walk out of his life. How do you accept loss? How do you learn to function without your other half? How can you live with half a heart? Half a soul? How can you live a life only half full? Cristina was more then his wife, more then a girlfriend, more then his best-friend, she embodied half of who he was, so how was he suppose to let half himself go?

"I will never forget you." He stated firmly, looking deep into her eyes while taking his free hand and lifting her chin. "You are it for me Cristina, you are everything I live and breathe for, nobody will ever take your place inside my heart, you are taking a part of me that nobody will ever be able to replace, I will love you for the rest of my life be it if we are together or separated, you will always be on my mind, I will never get over you." They were drowning in their own sorrow and self pity, exhausted from the pain and torture that they were putting each other through, he tilted her head and crushed his lips onto hers. Her hands reached to ruffly grasp his face, the kiss was aggressive and filled with the undying passion that never seemed to deteriorate. They stood there holding each other for dear life and wishing that time could stand still and they could remain in this embrace for the remainder of their time on earth, neither wanted to let go, neither were ready to face the repercussions of their decisions and neither knew just how much harder it was to let go then to actually put up a fight.

Sometimes you have to test someone. Not because you don't trust them, but to see how much they'll sacrifice for you. You'll also have to let them go; Not because you suddenly stopped loving them, but to see if they love you enough to come back. And sometimes we try and move on, we decide that its easier to say goodbye then to stick it out and fight for someone else, fight for what you know is real and right, so we throw in the towel and succumb to defeat and decide to start over, we then find someone else who we think can actually carry our hopes and dreams and we convince ourselves that time will heal all the wounds, that our heartache will slowly subside, the space that was left empty will slowly fill with the help of someone else's presence in our lives. We believe that we will find love once again, but if you believe that there is only one person out in the universe meant for you, created to fit your every need and desire, then you know that once you have experienced true love, it can never be replicated or duplicated because it was only meant to be shared once, by the two of you, so even though in time you find that you were able to let go, you truly never move on, because love cannot be found where it doesn't exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly lies.

_Staring at the ceiling in the dark  
Same old empty feeling in your heart  
'Cause the Love comes slow and it goes so fast_

_Well you see her when you fall asleep  
But never to touch and never to keep  
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep_

_Well you only need the light when it's burning low  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow  
Only know you love her when you let her go_

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home  
Only know you love her when you let her go  
_**_And you let her go_**


	3. Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl

"Its really nice to see you." She struggled to form a smile.

Owen sighed, "Its nice to see you too," He replied in the same somber tone. "Its been a while since I've heard from you."

She struggled to find her wording, stuttering as the words left her mouth, "1-heard you were engaged." She stated, her voice trying to remain as neutral and unaffected as possible. "Congratulations." She added as she took a deep breath and willed her heart rate to slow down.

His heart sank, his stomach fell to the ground, he didn't want to admit his upcoming nuptials to her, but he had no choice, he was getting married.

He gulped and hung his head down ashamedly, "Yes, Thank you." He muttered underneath his breath in an almost inaudible volume.

"I hope…" She started looking away, "Are you happy now?" She asked before looking down at her feet and back up to him again.

He stared at her intently, he didn't know how to answer her question because he thought that he was happy and content again, but now here she was, two years later, standing in front of him, looking more beautiful then he could ever imagine and he didn't know how to be in her presence. He let out a nervous laugh and looked around uncomfortably and chose not to answer her question, he hoped that the look in his eyes was enough of an answer for her then him having to admit it out loud and in the open.

"I heard you were in Korea, doing pro-bono heart procedures on dying patients." He asked trying to change the subject. "That must have been amazing." He stated.

"Actually," She started unsure of how to put her words together, "I was traveling throughout the orphanages and performing life saving procedures to babies and children who had been abandoned by their parents." She stated, "And yes, it was amazing, the whole experience changed me, I feel like a different person." She added while meeting his gaze once again.

Owen looked at her with his eyebrows raised and nose crinkled, "Wow, thats interesting." He tried not to seem so shocked, "Its just hard to picture you wanting to be around kids." He said, obviously his words were failing him.

She stared at him before shaking her head in disgust. "Why does everyone keep saying that to me?" She asked in an aggravated voice. "I never hated kids, I just didn't want to have any of my own at the time." She stated matter-of-factly.

At the time? Owen thought, that was a weird choice of wording.

Her annoyed look turned into a sigh of contentment as she looked almost dreamily as she spoke, "I never thought I'd understand the love between a parent and a child, and then I went there expecting to just perform some ground breaking procedures on children who had been tossed aside and left for dead. Truthfully, I did it for my own benefit rather than out of compassion, because I wanted to win another Harper Avery so I could say I had three of them back to back, but then I arrived there and everything I thought I knew about the world, about humanity and life just decimated and I realized that I was not living, I was just existing. It was the most heart breaking experience but it also became the highlight of my life, I learned what it really meant to be human, that we are not just flesh and bones, that we are people with feeling and a heart and a soul, and seeing those children struggle and hurt and their faces when I told them that I could save them…." She shook her head slightly, almost embarrassed to be revealing such intimate details about herself and life. "I learned what it meant to truly love somebody." She looked up and gave him a sheepish smile.

Owen gulped, this was different, she seemed different, she even looked different, her eyes smiled, she seemed at ease and care-free, qualities that she did not possess before she left Seattle.

"So…Are you married, engaged, or have a boyfriend?" He asked trying to sound nonchalant but the question was burdening his mind and heart. He held his breath waiting for an answer, even though he knew it was insane for him to wish that she was single even though he was engaged.

"I was seeing someone, actually an old boyfriend," She said, "He was my old professor at Stanford, and we ended up at the same hospital after I left here, but after I came back from Korea we ended up splitting up, right after he proposed to me." Cristina fought hard to keep eye contact but it was beginning to be torturous to look into his eyes.

Owen let out a ragged breath, he hated to admit it but he was so happy and tried really hard to conceal his happiness with empathy. "I'm sorry to hear that, you college professor? He must of been a lot older then you?" He quipped and looked quizzically at her. She nodded, "Yeah he's about twice my age, thats probably why it didn't work out so well."

"What do you mean?" He asked intrigued.

She shrugged, "We ended up wanting different things…" She hoped he would drop it and move on to another topic.

"Like what?" He asked clearly oblivious to her silent plea to leave the conversation alone.

She laughed in a sarcastic voice, "Pfft, life is so cruel most of the time, I feel like everything happens to me at the wrong time, in the wrong place and with the wrong person.." She stalled a minute thinking about the effect her next words would have on him, she didn't want to hurt him, or sting him anymore then she had when she left, she thought that by telling him why her relationship failed that it would just be adding salt to his wounds. But then she reminded herself that he was engaged and moved on, and that maybe her revelation wouldn't affect him at all.

He looked intently at her waiting for her to continue, "Why do you say that?"

"I changed my mind." She stated while he waited for her to clarify but the conversation was interrupted as Emma came up behind Owen and gave him a little peck on the cheek and asked him to dance. He reluctantly let Cristina's side, trying so hard to break eye contact but failing miserably to do so. Emma had to give him a little pull and tug before his feet finally moved. It was ironic that they were at a wedding again, Jackson and April finally tying the knot almost two years after he had broken up her first attempt at marriage. Cristina had her reservations about attending the wedding, mostly because she didn't want to have to see Owen again and be reminded of what could of been, but she had made Jackson and April a promise and she stuck to it.

Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere, I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye

A little later on the room went quiet as Jackson stood up to give a speech. He took a deep breath before surveying the room and holding his glass up to make a toast.

"Someone once told me that you cannot pick who you love, you can try but in time you realize that its forced and non-existent, its an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense, it just happens, the wrong person always comes at the right time and the right person always comes at the wrong time. It will never be perfect and it will not come easy. If you meet someone and you think they are perfect for you then you better run in the other direction because they are not your soulmate. But if you find someone who you fight and bicker with, someone who challenges you and makes you feel human and alive, and despite all your differences, all their faults and all your insecurities, if at the end of the day you still cannot imagine life without them, then don't let that go because you will never find it again." Jackson surveyed the room and met Cristina's gaze before giving her a sheepish smile, he then turned to look down at April who was sitting to his left at the bridal table. "I don't want a fairytale marriage, I want a union that is pure and raw and undying, I want you to know that I will be there by your side and I will love you until the day I die, I will share your joy and your pain because I cannot imagine my life without you in it nor do I want to be here on earth if you are not right by my side." He smiled and tried to control his emotions while April silently wept and wiped her tears away with a very damp tissue. She stood up and gave him a big hug and kiss. "Here's to love, life and objecting to wrongful marriages!" He said laughing while raising his glass and toasting his new wife.

The guests stood up with a round of applause all toasting each other, Cristina looked up from her glass just in time to realize that a pair of blue eyes were intently watching her, studying her and looking at her with a longing that seemed to burn through her flesh.

* * *

Colin Marlowe made his way around Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital, he was in Seattle to talk amongst the interns and residents to discuss his journey as a surgeon and the legacy he would leave behind upon his retirement. He had not been in Seattle in ten years, and while he surveyed his surroundings he noticed that Seattle Grace had changed a lot more then just its name. He was preparing for the speech and presentation when the Chief of Surgery greeted him along with a few faces that he vaguely remembered.

"Hello Dr. Marlowe, we are so honored to have you here." Owen said as he outstretched his hand to shake Colin's.

"Pleasure is mine." He answered back in his english accent, "I'm happy to be back for a visit after all these years." He stated as he gave Meredith a once over.

"Your Cristina's best-friend?" He quipped while releasing Owen's and giving her hand a shake before doing the same to Derek.

Owen's breath caught in his throat at the mention of her name, he had banned his mind from her consuming his thoughts long ago but somehow it was always to no avail.

"Yes, I was her best-friend, but if that's your way of trying to pry into her life then I'm sorry, she no longer works here and though we still talk occasionally, we have grown apart, especially after she moved to Korea." Meredith stated with an icy tone. She didn't like this man ten years ago, she sure as hell didn't like him now.

Owen looked back and forth between the two of them, he remembered that Cristina told him a few months ago at Jackson and April's wedding that she was nearly engaged to an old professor, was he him? Thee Colin Marlowe?

Colin raised his eyebrows at Meredith and gave her an amused smile. "Oh, I know she doesn't work here anymore, her and I actually worked together for almost a year at Cleveland Clinic." He stated slyly.

"Really?", Derek chimed in, "So how is she doing?, we haven't heard from her in a while."

Colin let out a sigh, "Well she was doing great actually, we were doing great, we rekindled our romance after she arrived, I even bought her an engagement ring, I thought she was ready to take the next step in our relationship…." He his gaze shifted to all three of them and then ended back on Meredith. "But then she decides to be a humanitarian and goes off to Korea to perform heart surgeries for orphans and underprivileged children and then she comes back to the US and wants to adopt a baby!" He exclaimed in a dramatic voice. "I'm in my late sixties, I was looking forward to finally retiring and having a peaceful quiet life and she wanted to have a baby." Colin was getting riled up again just thinking about how all his plans had gone down the drain after Cristina came back from Korea, she had changed so dramatically, he didn't even recognize the woman that had come back to him.

Owen felt like the wind was knocked right out of him, he blinked and shook his head in confusion, did he just hear him right? Or was Owen imagining the words coming out of this man's mouth.

Owen let out a nervous laugh and fidgeted with his feet, "You must be mistaken," He stated, "Hell would freeze over before the Cristina Yang I knew decided she wanted to have a baby." He stated.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah, what are you talking about? Cristina would never have a baby, it would jeopardize her career." She looked at Colin like he had two heads, completely shocked. Colin gave her an incredulous look.

"Thats what I thought too until she came back, I don't know, you women and your hormones, her biological clock must have started ticking." He said before trying to change the subject, "Well. anyways, she broke up with me stating we wanted different things out of life, now she's probably out there looking for a sperm donor."

"Well thats enough talk about my personal life, why don't we get this discussion under way?" He smiled brightly and signaled to the entryway of the auditorium. Leaving a stunned Owen standing back.

Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
And anywhere, I would have followed you  
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

**Say something, I'm giving up on you**


	4. The Man That Can't Be Moved

_Going back to the corner where I first saw you_  
_Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move_  
_Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand_  
_Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"_

_Some try to hand me money, they don't understand_

_I'm not broke – I'm just a broken-hearted man_

_I know it makes no sense but what else can I do?_

_How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?_

Owen sighed as the blades of the vent blew air from underneath him, he stood there unable to move while his mind worked on overdrive, a plethora of torturous consuming thoughts plagued his mind and weighed heavily on his heart. He closed his eyes every time the rush of wind enveloped him, keeping his hands firmly on his lab coat pockets and standing still wishing that he could disappear from the world around him, begging the gushes of hot air to blow him away.

_"Are you happy now?"_ She had asked him months back, he almost felt like she was mocking him, like somehow she knew that he was living with the ghost of her and him. She was like his shadow, always following behind him and refusing to let him go, but even your shadow leaves you when you enter into the darkness, but In his case, Cristina might have left from his physical world but she remained cemented inside of him, permanently tattooed on every inch of his body, and the frugal attempts his mind made to move on were always intercepted by the feeling of loss and longing that refused to decimate. Why do people always say that time heals all wounds? It is a blatant lie, a statement that is made to fool a person into believing that the heart is strong and resilient when in fact it is weak and fragile and vulnerable. All time does is reiterate the fact that the wounds are still there, they are never fully healed, the scars that they leave behind are there with you forever, and they remind you every single day that no matter how much time passes, you can never ever forget, your memory serves as the salt and every instance you let your self think or reminisce, you open that wound up a little more and never give it time to fully heal, _thus you never are able to move on. _

He couldn't sacrifice for her, to some that might of meant he didn't love her, but in his heart he knew he had given it his all, he had even moved on, found simplicity in his life for the first time in years. He thought he was content and stable, at least he wanted to be so goddamn bad. He didn't want to fail, he didn't want to feel regret or remorse and he sure as hell never wanted to know the feeling of desperation and anguish. He also never wanted to blame her or wake up one day and resent her from keeping him from realizing a dream. But then she had dropped a bombshell on him and announced she was leaving, leaving the hospital, leaving Seattle and leaving him, and all of a sudden all those walls that he had built, all the steps he had taken forward and in a new direction into a new life with Emma, all of that he threw at her face and begged and pleaded with her to choose him, choose to have a baby with him, to choose a life with him. He didn't care that people had heard his shouting match with her, didn't care that he let her see him vulnerable for the first time since she announced that they should date other people, he didn't even care that Emma was standing right outside the room waiting for his shift to end so they could go out to dinner. In that moment his rage and bitterness swallowed him whole, all the pent up aggression, the bottled feelings and the hiding behind a new relationship exploded in a bitter frenzy.

Owen let out a sarcastic laugh, "She wants to have a baby now!" He said to the vacant boiler room as if he was talking to someone. He shook his head and started laughing uncontrollably, he finally knew exactly what Cristina felt when she was sitting on the toilet gripping her stomach and laughing hysterically when he had knocked down the bathroom door after admitting he had cheated on her. He was in bewilderment, he tried to grasp the concept but it kept falling on deaf ears, so he just laughed, and laughed, and laughed, until the pain in the pit of his stomach was so severe that he just couldn't laugh anymore. "She changed her mind," He whispered to himself, "She was gonna have a baby with someone else," He reiterated to himself, "She's gonna find somebody, and she's gonna have his baby.' And then those hysterical laughs were replaced with uncontrollable sobs, that fell without warning and with no intention of cessation.

_'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me_  
_And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be_  
_Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet_  
_And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street_

_So I'm not moving, I'm not moving_

_Policeman says, "Son, you can't stay here."_  
_I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year._  
_Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows._  
_If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go."_

Why didn't she tell him at Jackson and April's wedding? She had known then, why did she keep it from him? To spare him the hurt? To spare him the regret? He didn't understand, he wanted closure from her, wanted her to tell him why now, and why not then. He knew that it was hard for her to see him move on, thats one of the reasons she left, he knew it would of been hard for her to see him get engaged and then married and he knew it would of killed her to see him start his family and watch as someone else fulfilled his hopes and dreams while she sat on the sidelines chastising herself with _"What could of been."_ He was so occupied with what she would feel and how she would hurt that he had never prepared himself for what he would feel, he had never allowed himself to wonder if she would change, if one day she might want everything that she once was so adamant about not needing. But pigs weren't flying and hell hadn't frozen over, yet it felt like the world was caving in on him and he was dying a slow and torturous death, and he didn't understand why, he had moved on, he had accepted that they were over and wanted different things, he had promised himself that he would search for her in a different life and hope to God that in another place and a different time that they could be, that they would be together and finally his soul could rest at ease. But the realization that they could of been in this life, that if he would of stuck it out, stayed by her side and refused to let her go, that they could of had that life he envisioned with her, he chastised himself for it-but he wished that she and never changed her mind.

He was planning his wedding, he was marrying the antithesis of Cristina Yang, he had everything he had ever wanted, everything he had thought he needed, yet he was still standing on the vent, sulking over broken promises and what could of beens. He never thought that the day would come,never prepared for it and now he was lost and frozen in time.

_So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,_  
_I'm not moving, I'm not moving_

_People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl_  
_There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world_

_And maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved_  
_Maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news_  
_And you'll come running to the corner_  
_'Cause you'll know it's just for you_  
_I'm the man who can't be moved_  
_I'm the man who can't be moved _

* * *

Cristina was back in Seattle, The Harper Avery Foundation was holding a conference in the city and she was not only invited but told she would be getting special recognition and needed to come up with a speech to recite in front of her fellow peers. It was easier said then done when you had a rambunctious little girl hooting and hollering for your attention twenty-four-seven. Cristina had adopted Tatiana a year and a half ago, right after she had returned from Korea. Min-Ji was her Korean name and Cristina only called her by that name when she was in trouble. It had been almost three years since she had left Grey-Sloan Memorial, She had left and went to Cleveland Clinic and worked there for almost a whole year, earning a second Harper Avery Award and rekindling her relationship with Marlowe, she didn't love him, but he wanted the same things she did and it made life so much easier to be with someone who had the same vision of life as you did. Well thats what she thought until she was offered the opportunity to travel to Korea and perform unheard of surgeries on remarkable baby patients who had been abandoned and had nothing to live for. The whole experience shattered her heart and broke her soul and spirit only to have it revived and rehabilitated again, fixing it and bringing it back to life in a better position then it had ever been before.

She had come back to America without Tatiana but the adoption papers were already underway, she could not leave her in the hell hole that was a sorry excuse for an orphanage, and her attempts to fight the feeling of want and longing and love toward the toddler went to no avail, she tried leaving and breaking herself apart from her grasp that night, she had even made it all the way to the airport, ready to get back on a flight to America, ready to leave her time in Korea behind, but after sitting on the plane, a mere second before takeoff, she leaped to her feet and exited the plane. She couldn't pinpoint what changed her mind, couldn't explain why she couldn't leave Korea without taking Min-Ji without her but the thought of leaving her behind made Cristina feel like she was leaving a huge part of herself behind, it left her empty, and she had, had enough loss in her life, too many pieces of her heart were gone and she could not afford to lose anymore of it for fear that she would lose herself. She went back and filed papers to make the baby her own, the process took a little while but she was grateful for that time because it would give her ample time to bring it up to Colin. When she did she had realized what a mistake it was, how wrong him and her were for each other, he didn't want anything to do with a baby and she was already in the process of adopting Tatiana. She laughed at how ironic and unfair life was, she had been in a stable marriage once, had a husband that wanted nothing more then to get her pregnant and have his baby, but she wanted different things at that time, and she broke a marriage and let him go, and now here she was, wanting a baby so badly that she broke her engagement to Colin in order to realize her new found dream.

She had seen Owen at Jackson and April's wedding, she was going to tell him that she had a daughter now, but Emma walked up and interrupted them, and she couldn't distinguish if she was relieved or distraught. Tatiana was turning three soon and she was such a smart and brilliant child, always talking and never shying away from conversation be it with Cristina or anyone else for that matter. She look so much like Cristina did as a child, it was almost eerie, she had the same mane of curls and full lips and looked like the mini-version of Cristina herself. Maybe thats why she became attached to her and why she found it so hard to let her go, and in the end it was probably why she came back for her.

Cristina sat at her desk and tried unsuccessfully to type her speech with Tatiana on her lap, who kept hitting the keys of her laptop and pretending to type the words she was saying. Her chubby fingers aimlessly hitting button after button. "Mama, I write speech for you." She said while typing away and giggling. Cristina laughed, "Oh, baby girl, your doing such a good job." She reassured her and patiently waited for her infatuation with the computer to decimate, which didn't take long since Tatiana got bored really really fast.

* * *

The next night she was called to the podium to accept special recognition for winning the Harper Avery Award three times in a row, she had arrived very late and quickly motioned for her nanny and Tatiana to take their seats at her designated table. She was grateful that she didn't have time to survey the room, she sighed in relief knowing she had dodged the uncomfortable greetings with her old colleauges and friends and her ex-husband who would probably be here with his fiancé. Her name was announced and she made her way to the stage as the room filled with applause, she stood in front of the room full of surgeons ready to begin her speech as the room quieted down when a squeal echoed through the room.

"MAMA!" Tatiana screamed as she sat up on her chair and clapped her hands together, mimicking the applause that her mom had just been given. The room was silent and everyone turned to follow the sound of Tatiana's voice as everyone erupted into fits of laughter and giggles. Cristina chuckled and looked slightly embarrassed. Tatiana stopped clapping and extended her arms out motioning for her mom to pick her up.

"Tatiana, are you trying to steal my thunder?" She asked into the microphone in a playful tone. Tatiana wanted to be on stage with Cristina and stepped down the oversized chair and went running toward the stage before her nanny could contain her. She ran as fast as she could with her hands extended forward and her pigtails swinging side to side,

She ran until she hit the stage, but the steps were too big,and she was too pudgy so she crawled herself up before Cristina extended her arms and picked her up, resting her on one side of her hip.

"Tatiana, Can you say hi to everyone?' Cristina asked.

"Hi Evvverybodddy!" She smiled sweetly as she waved her hand side to side. "I'm a pwincess." She stated before turning her head away from the podium and burying her face in the crook of Cristina's neck. "Oh, now you wanna act shy?" Cristina asked as she cradled her daughter. Tatiana raised her head and looked behind her and Cristina and noticed the big screen behind them with a picture of Cristina. She pointed toward the projector, "Thats you mama!" She said while while turning her attention to Cristina, and then looked at the audience before saying, "Thats my mama!"

Cristina smiled widely as she kissed her forehead and gave her a pat on the butt, she had written a speech but now that she was up on stage she decided to be raw and honest instead of giving a generic speech that was calculated and rehearsed.

"We as surgeons are a rare breed of people, we spend twelve years of our lives with our noses inside of books, studying day in and day out, we start by getting a bachelors before we apply to medical school or in my case get a PHD, then we attend four years in a medical program but it doesn't end there. After we finish receiving a conventional classroom education, we embark on a new system of learning, we start an internship and then five years of residency before we become surgical fellows. And then finally we can call ourselves true surgeons."

"It is a life long process, we chose a harder, stressful and less conventional way of living, the hospital becomes our home, our solace and our place of worship, sometimes we become so encompassed by the life inside the four walls of a hospital that we forget how to live a life outside of it. I love what I do, I was made to operate, I was born to be a surgeon and to save lives, its all I ever dreamed of being and the reason why I thought I was the best is because I dedicated everything I had into being the best, I sacrificed everything I had in order to be where I'am today. In the process of being the best, I lost sight of who I was outside the hospital because even if I wanted to spend every waking moment in the OR, I knew it was impossible, I had to leave at the end of the day, so every time I was forced to leave and go home, I was reminded that being a doctor was a huge part of who I was but it wasn't all I was. We are people first, we are human, then we are Mothers or Fathers and then we are Doctors. If there is one thing I would like any of you to take away from my experiences or success, it is that I gave my whole life to the hospital and in turn I forgot to live my own,"

Cristina looked around at the audience and sighed heavily when she finally spotted him in the crowded room, his mouth was agape and he was hanging on every word, the disbelief and sheer shock two emotions he could not conceal even when she met his gaze.

"My daughter, she's like a Hail Mary, and she made me realize that you should never put all your eggs in one basket and I'm a better surgeon now then I ever was, all the young surgeons who sit before me today, I want you to know that it is possible to have it all, you should never have to choose, and even though it might be harder to juggle, it is so much more rewarding because nothing worth having should come easy, and if life doesn't challenge you then it doesn't change you, and if you don't change then you don't grow- and in order to grow we must evolve, thank you." She finished to a round of applause and a standing ovation. The only person not standing nor clapping was seated in perfect view.


	5. Life For Rent

**Thank you so much for the reviews, I'm sorry I haven't updated my other fics in a couple weeks but I will get on it soon, I'm just experiencing a little writers block. This fix is just speaking to me right now cos I like to imagine that Crowen will be reunited after season 10 because they are soul mates and they deserve a happy ending. **

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home  
I never stick around quite long enough to make it  
I apologize once again I'm not in love  
But it's not as if I mind  
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

People say that everything comes full circle, what goes around comes around and then it goes back around. That everything happens for a reason- for a greater purpose that were not sure of in the immediate present but in the end what is meant to be will be. What we realize as we grow, as time passes us by and our days start to become numbered- like a ticking time bomb, is that no amount of wise words can stop the grieving, the self-doubt, and the million-dollar question- Why is life so hard? And what makes it worth living? Or rather who makes it worth living?

What makes us want to get up every morning? Why do we get knocked down time and time again and decide to get back up and try again? What gives us a sense of meaning and purpose? I used to think that my happiness and sense of worth were both bottled up and intertwined in one significant sacrifice I made for the universe, I woke up each and every day because I was born to be a doctor, but not just any doctor, I was a surgeon, the top of the medical food chain pyramid. I was born to be brilliant, I was made to save lives, I was created to fulfill this one and only destiny- its all I wanted and all I thought I would ever need.

The OR was my salvation- the only place in the entire world that I felt alive, that my life seemed to make sense and have meaning. It served as my security blanket, I could never hold onto anything long enough or strong enough so it always ended up slipping through my fingers, but I knew that I would always have my talent, when everything else that was given to me slowly diminished from my grasp, I knew that I would never lose the ability to be a surgeon.

I've always thought  
that I would love to live by the sea  
To travel the world alone  
and live more simply  
I have no idea what's happened to that dream  
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

But somewhere between leaving my life in Seattle behind, the people who I grew to love and learn from, the hospital that made me the decorated and meticulous surgeon I was, the place that changed me, that made me grow and taught me how to love unselfishly- I learned the most important piece of information, one that cannot be found in a textbook or perfected in the OR, a lesson that can only be learned by living. It might have taken me longer, I might have been too stubborn and insecure or maybe I was to head strong and stuck in my ways to understand the meaning of life, why I was really alive- what my purpose really was.

What I found in the absence of the life I cultivated in Seattle is that the place you worked, the money you made, the awards you received, these do not add up to much in the end, because your life will flash before your eyes one day and all you will be able to see and take with you is something that cannot be measured in accolades nor prestige nor can you put a price tag on it because no amount of money could ever cover its cost- And that is the memories you made with the people who made your life worth living and the relationships you built between and among people because people really do matter- We matter.

if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down  
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try  
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy  
Well I deserve nothing more than I get  
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

* * *

Cristina tried so hard to move on,she wanted Owen to be happy, wanted him to have everything he had ever dreamed of and she loved him enough to let him go and chase his destiny. But love doesn't just die, its like the wind- you can't see it but you can feel it- no matter the distance, no matter the time that passes or where life takes the two of you- it defies reason, its overwhelms logic and common sense. She wished she would of never changed her mind, wished that she would of stuck her ground and lived the life she had always envisioned, she wished that she never woke up and decided that surgery was not the end all be all to her happiness- that she deserved more, that it was possible for her take more- she didn't have to choose- she could have it all if she opened up her mind and heart.

Sometimes she felt guilty- like she was committing a crime or sin for wanting something she swore she would never want to have, it was a battle she fought within herself day in and day out and a nightmare she couldn't escape whenever she thought about what could of been, because he or she would of been five years old right about now, and her imagination would frequently paint a picture of its image. And nothing stung like the look in his eyes- the torture and devastation that he didn't even try to hide nor erase from his face. She knew that it hurt him, and she hated that she cared but there was no way to shut off the mutual feelings they had for one another.

Cristina knew he had moved on, he was getting married soon and she had let him go three years ago and that gave her some relief because he chose to let her go too even though he could of chased after her- told her she was enough. Now she had a daughter, a vastly different life then she could of ever imagined for herself, but if it was gonna happen then it happened at her own pace- you could never rush or push Cristina Yang to do anything- you just had to wait for her to want to make the first move. They say everything happens for a reason- so maybe if she would of never let him go then she would of never realized just what she was capable of having.

Cristina left the podium and held onto tatiana's hand protectively while the descended the steps from the stage to their reserved seats. She tried not to look his way again but she couldn't help but notice the surprised faces of her former colleagues and friends, especially Meredith who looked conflicted and stared intently at Cristina, and Callie who sat next to Owen and whispered something in his ear while she gave his hand a tight squeeze. Then she saw him slowly get up, ignoring a tug that Emma gave his forearm and witnessed him say something to her before he made his way to the exit and left the room, and once again they departed.

* * *

"I'm getting married, I should be planning my wedding and thinking about my future, about starting a family and buying a house," Owen said as he vigorously scrubbed his hands until they were raw and burned. "But all I can think about is her, every minute of every day I wonder where she is, what she is doing, who is she with, I keep seeing her with her daughter in my head and its driving me crazy because I think about how perfect they looked together and how perfect I would fit into their lives." He continued to unceremoniously wash his hands after a grueling eight hour surgery.

Callie had finished washing her hands long ago but she still held onto the paper towel she used to dry them with, she quickly disposed of it in the trash and turned to Owen and shut off the running water from his faucet and grabbed some more paper towel from the dispenser and handed it to him.

"Your hands are clean enough, any more and they will start cracking and bleeding." She said as she turned her body away from the OR and leaned against the counter before looking up at him and addressing his admission. With a long and heavy sigh she began to speak.

"I like Emma." She said, "I really like Emma," She stated. "She's domestic, and polite and caring and all homey and warm and fuzzy." Callie said without making eye contact. "But I love Cristina, I love her passion and drive and focus. I love that she is who she is and she makes no apologies for it. I love the fact that she became everything she set out to be and in the process of achieving her dreams, she realized one that she never thought she would want to witness or achieve.

"Cristina is the type of person you only meet once in a lifetime, she is different and challenging and complicated- she's not simple." Callie gave Owen a sideways glance, finally meeting his gaze. "You thought that you wanted simple, that you needed easy-going and uncomplicated, and now that you have it, I think your experiencing buyers remorse. Because the perfect person is boring, if there is no passion and fighting and if the person your with doesn't challenge you and give you a run for your money then there is no love there- because you should want to fight and want to get into with Emma, you should have arguments and disagreements because thats what makes a relationship stronger and then you should want to have mind-blowing make-up sex. But you can't have any of those things because the two of you never fight, you never argue, your not passionate about each other because you just don't care enough."

"You have to figure out what you want because I don't want you to hurt Emma in the midst of you trying to cope and accept that you still might love Cristina."

Owen took in her words and let out a defeated sigh while he rubbed the back of his neck, pacing the scrub room, "Love.", He said. "I still love her, always have and unfortunately always will." He admitted.

"Then you have to do something about it."

* * *

"Your indecisive, your a cheater, your flaky but most of all your a liar, you promised me 40 years Owen, you told me you would be around for forty years and I only got five of them, you owe me another thirty-five." Cristina looked intently at him, her gaze never deterring from his as the tears flowed freely and the room filled with the echo of her hoarse and raspy voice, her bottom lip twitching and her eyes bloodshot.

**PLEASE REVIEW! Let me know what you think. **


	6. Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder  
And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you, baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you, baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah.

It was Super Bowl Sunday and Derek and Meredith decided to throw a party and show off the new theater they had built in the basement of their dream home. Derek had worked on it throughout the summer and fall and it was finally complete, and it resembled an actual theater, equipped with the comfy la-z-boy chairs and a huge projector that made everything depicted look like your were in the actual scenes. It was beautiful and the perfect place to host a party such as this.

They had invited most of their friends from the hospital, at least the ones not on call, the others would eventually show up after their shifts were complete. It was suppose to be a rare opportunity where the doctors of the hospital could kick up their heels and relax for at least a couple of hours, drink some beer and eat some game day food without having to worry about the state of the hospital for at least a little while.

They had a lot to celebrate besides the game, life was good, they had a wonderful family with healthy kids and a stable marriage, maybe both Derek and Meredith had to juggle the amount of time they spent in the OR, but it was all worth it knowing that they got to go home to their kids at night. At least thats what Derek thought, but sometimes he wondered if Meredith ever regretted having the family that they created together, he often contemplated if she was still jealous of Cristina, of how she was able to dedicate her life to her craft, spend so much time in the hospital and win two Harper Avery Awards back to back and then a third one. Though their feud had mended a couple years ago, right before Cristina got offered an opportunity that she couldn't refuse. Derek knew there was still so much resentment and anger that lingered, they had grown apart, somewhere, somehow, they had chosen two different paths, and the choices they made did not allow for them to see eye-to-eye any longer, thats how Meredith described it to Derek.

He thought that was a crock of shit, Cristina and Meredith were joined at the hip, soul-sisters and they loved each other more then anyone else, but their own inner demons within themselves caused them to lash out at each other because you only hurt the one you love. Now two years later, they kept in touch by email and an occasional phone call here and there, he knew Meredith longed to have her best friend back and he only wished that somehow they would find common ground, and hopefully one day Cristina would be back, because he probably missed her more then Meredith did, it was getting impossible to play the husband and best-friend, he finally realized how important Cristina's presence in both their lives were.

Meredith couldn't connect to anyone like she connected to Cristina, she tried but it wasn't the same, it felt awkward and forced, if it wasn't for Alex, she wouldn't know what to do, since he kept in contact with Cristina, she would try to pry information off of him, almost living vicariously through her. She had heard that she was traveling with UNICEF and other organizations and helping orphan kids, out of all people, lending her surgical skills to save unfortunate babies, how ironic. Meredith wished she could be the one heading her own department and traveling the world performing surgeries for the underprivileged on her spare time. She wondered when Cristina ever slept? Did she even have a social life anymore? When did she have time to breathe? It seemed like all she did was work, work, work. She had truly become exactly what she set out to be, and Meredith couldn't help but wonder how she was able to do it and Meredith couldn't.

Meredith knew that Cristina had made many sacrifices to get where she was at, some that she could never comprehend because even if it seemed that Meredith chose the harder life, the one with a husband and kids as well as juggling a career, it was really Cristina who had chosen to walk under fire. She had chosen the road less traveled by, the road that only has room for one person and no other distractions, a lonely existence. Meredith wanted to feel sorry for her sad and lonely life but what she really felt was a longing to be just like her until Colin Marlowe came through Grey-Sloan and told them about Cristina's new vision of life and her want to adopt. Imagine everyones surprise when they found out just how much Cristina Yang had changed, Cristina was now a mother, something Meredith could of never envisioned, something so out of her character and her dreams that it almost seemed surreal. Meredith thought about the way Cristina interacted with her daughter and how much her daughter seemed to idolize her mother, she wanted to call Cristina and catch up, wanted to be okay with her choice to adopt and most of all mend their tumultuous relationship and have her best friend back figuratively and literally, she needed to bring Cristina back to Seattle.

The crowd started pouring in and admiring the new addition to the house. Callie and Arizona arrived first, followed by April and Jackson and then the rest of the guests arrived, Miranda and her family, Richard, Alex and Jo and finally Emma and a somber looking Owen.

It was half-time and all the men were enjoying watching the game while the women looked forward to the famous commercial breaks, when right after the new Chrysler ad came on, another commercial about a new medical based docu-series began playing across the huge screen and peeked everyones interest, especially when Cristina Yang's voice and face appeared on the screen.

"No freaking way, is that really Yang?" Callie said exasperated while wiping her mouth with her sleeve after nearly choking on the beer she was nursing.

"its called "Massachusetts General", Alex explained, "She's apart of the cast, its a medical documentary series on Discovery Health, it follows Harper Avery and his team of surgeons."

"You knew about it?" Meredith asked with a peeved look on her face.

Alex let out a sigh, "Yes, I knew about it but I couldn't say anything, Yang is under contract and if I said anything she would of been fined and sued, the only reason she told me is because I'm her heath proxy and part of the series followed her on the trip she took to Korea after she left Cleveland Clinic, Harper Avery gave her an option to join his hospital as head of cardio and be apart of the series." He felt very uncomfortable talking about Cristina in front of Owen and Meredith and it showed.

Owen didn't know what to feel or how to act, Cristina was blossoming in the most wonderful ways and his heart longed to be apart of her life, to share in her joy and achievements and stand by her side, he knew he had to do something but he didn't know what, he just hoped that what is meant to be would be and that the universe would bring them together again. If she was part of his destiny

and fate, than no matter how hard they fought it or how much mistakes they made in the past, they would find their way back to each other.

Everyone was now talking about Cristina and how successful her life was becoming, Emma always got uncomfortable at the mention of her name and this incident wasn't any different, she felt the shift and distance between her and Owen and his longing for his ex-wife didn't escape Emma. Deep down she knew the end was coming, but Owen wasn't ready to tell her and she wasn't ready to accept it.

The miles just keep rollin'  
As the people leave their way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh, yeah, yeah

I'm here without you, baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you, baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight, girl, its only you and me

* * *

She had never sold the firehouse, for some reason Cristina never got the courage to, by keeping it, she was able to keep a part of Owen and thus she never found the strength to let the sentimental declaration of her love for him be bought by anyone else. Now after what felt like ages she was back in Seattle, and had accepted the job as head of cardio when her fellow board members decided to pitch her an offer she just couldn't refuse. The whole board had voted unanimously to offer her the position and had lobbied hard for her to come back to Seattle.

She stood outside the firehouse and surveyed the surroundings, it was still as beautiful as ever and all that needed to be done were some smaller renovations, she couldn't be bothered with looking for a new place to live and this house was paid off and vacant, plus it was in downtown Seattle and very close to the hospital. Tatiana and her would make this place their home. Cristina was happy to get away from Boston and prying eyes, Harper Avery's series had become very successful and offered lots of opportunities for Cristina, it enabled her to go to Korea and documented her journey that would later be used on the first season, she had just recently completed the third season which would air next year and was ready for a change. She was very thankful for what the past few years offered to her professionally but she loved her privacy and life with Tatiana and didn't want her daughter subjected to the media, especially since the series had become so popular after just a few episodes.

Now she was back with Meredith and her kids helping her unpack after the cleaning crew had left and small renovations were made, the firehouse looked like a juxtaposition of new and old, it was the same but yet different, Cristina was unable to put he finger on it but something still felt like it was missing even after the packing was complete.

"Thank God we're finished!' Meredith said as she plopped herself on the sofa and let out a tired sigh. "I'm getting too old for strenuous physical activity." She added while setting her feet on the coffee table.

"Your not even 40 yet Mer, stop acting like an old man." Cristina pointed out while adjusting a frame on the wall.

"Its easy for you to say, your a year and a half younger than me, that makes a difference." Meredith explained while closing her eyes and laying her head back.

Cristina knitted her eyebrows and rolled her eyes, "That does not make a difference, you just need to exercise a little and build stamina."

"I chase after two kids all day long, thats my exercise."

"Wine?" Cristina asked while holding up a bottle of Merlot.

"Oh God yes."

"I don't know how you do it with two kids, I have one and its tiring." Cristina poured two glasses and sat next to Meredith on the sofa.

"It isn't easy but I'm also not alone, I have Derek, so it alleviates half the responsibilities." Meredith replied before adding, "Do you ever think about having another one?"

Cristina let out a long sigh and a big gulp of wine before answering, "Honestly, yes, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant, to have a baby inside me, I would love to know what its like to have a boy, but I think my ship has sailed, its too late now."

"Why do you think its too late?, your still able to conceive and bring a baby to term."

"I can't imagine myself finding anybody who I want to have a baby for, who I want to raise Tatiana with me and to conceive another baby with."

Meredith surveyed Cristina, she knew her very well and knew there was something more to her reasoning that she wasn't sharing.

"I'm glad your back, I'm happy we're "us" again, I love you very much Cristina Yang," Meredith held up her glass of wine, "Here's a toast to the future, the return of the twisted sisters, the possibilities of tomorrow and finding solace in the present, and most of all here's to you finding the love of your life, or maybe re-finding what you thought you lost." She finished with raised eyebrows as they clinked their glasses together and sipped on the wine.

"I love you too, Meredith." Cristina smiled.

"Wow, you have changed a lot haven't you?"

"Yeah, I think I have."

"Owen is going to be so ecstatic to see you, he doesn't say it but I know he misses you very much, actually, I know he still loves you very much."

Cristina's heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name.

"I will always love him as well but life is complicated and cruel, I wish things could of been different, I wish I could of given him what he wanted when we were together but nothing happens in order for me, now I just have to accept that he's married and happy and will probably start his own family soon."

Meredith didn't know if it was her business to let Owen's business be made public but this was Cristina, she had a right to know and if Meredith had her way, she would help push them back together again.

"There was no wedding, and their will be no wedding, at least not between Owen and Emma, he called it off awhile ago."

"What?" Cristina asked stunned, her stomach turning into knots and her heart beating outside her chest.

"He still loves you." Meredith re-iterated, "If you still truly love him then you have to do something about it, don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers, there is a list of nurses and doctors prying to get their hands on him who would gladly have all his babies, if you still think he is your soulmate then do something about it, this is the perfect time and perfect place, you both want the same things, you both still love each other, this is your time, don't pass it up."

"You should of seen the look in his eyes when he saw you and Tatiana while you gave your speech, he longs to be with you and to be apart of you and Tatiana's life, he would be such a great father to her and you can create another baby together, give him back what you took away years ago, make him feel alive again and show him that he can have a happy ending with you."

"I still love him, I never stopped, I just don't know where to begin again, I'm scared." Cristina admitted.

"What are you scared of? Your the apple of his eye, Cristina."

"I'm afraid he holds resentment, I'm afraid he hates me because I killed his baby and then left him after telling him I'd never change my mind, and then I go and adopt a baby while he calls off his wedding and still doesn't have what he wanted so bad, what I stole from him, I went back on my word, I have a baby and he doesn't." Cristina admitted, "I don't want him to hate me."

"He doesn't hate you, he loves you and you have the opportunity to turn a wrong into a right, he's been waiting for you, his heart never gave up hope, he called off his wedding for God's sake because deep down he knew you would be back, his heart knew you would eventually give him everything he wanted and needed even when his head told him to move on, he couldn't because he was still waiting for you." Meredith explained. "You start work tomorrow, everything is in your hands, give him the family he dreamed of with you, he chased after you of so long, its your turn to fight for him."

Everything I know, and anywhere I go (oh whoa)

It gets hard but it won't take away my love (oh whoa)  
And when the last one falls  
When it's all said and done  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love, whoa, oh, oh

I'm here without you, baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you, baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me


End file.
